There’s a lot of debate out there which parenting style is the “right” one.
It seems like that “gentle parenting” is trending right now.
While this sounds like THE IDEAL that we should strive for,
Following a parenting style can actually contribute to problems with parenting.
It definitely did for me and many moms I talk to.
I thought as a mother I had to be gentle and understanding a 100 % of the time.
And if I’m not, I’ll screw up my children.
What a high bar to reach for …
I wanted to be nice and gentle all the time.
Of course I love my children over anything,
Don’t want to “traumatize” them,
Wanted to be a “good mom” etc.
And we want to avoid at all costs the mistakes our parents made, right?
BUT
What I found is that it’s actually not good for my kids at all,
If I’m “nice and gentle” all the time.
Often they didn’t even hear me. They didn’t respond. It didn’t register in them what I said.
And for the longest time I thought:
“Do I first have to get upset so that they hear me?”
But what I actually needed to do was to channel my clarity.
And that meant to stop feeling doubtful or guilty
About whatever decision I made and order I gave.
It also meant to not wait till I boiled over and lost it at them.
Rather than about being gentle, it’s about being kind.
I really relate to what Brené Brown says: “Clear is kind”.
I noticed that many times - in life and as a parent -
I was trying so hard to be so “kind” that I lost my clarity…
It wasn’t real kindness.
I had a period in my life, where I was trying so hard to do the right thing that I lost sight of my inner compass.
That’s why when we use outside parenting guidelines, it’s bound to fail.
I think many parents are afraid to give consequences, because they don’t want to “punish” their children.
BUT our children NEED us to set boundaries and they’re only REAL boundaries if there are consequences for overstepping them.
It might upset some, that I’m comparing parenting to dog training here
But hear me out :)
I witnessed the same pattern with my dogs:
When I didn’t bother to set up their shock collars for the walks
And I can't use warning signal or shock function
(most times they don’t even need to be shocked)
So basically when I’m NOT implementing consequences -
Soon enough they take off...
Don’t listen and are at risk to get hurt or cause trouble to neighbours.
I see how while my wild dogs love their freedom for a few minutes, they do really THRIVE in our power and under our care.
They need us to be the pack leaders.
So do our kids.
If we wouldn’t hold the power, everything would be off and fall apart.
The thing is, a consequence given cleanly isn’t a punishment.
It’s communication.
Appropriate consequences are necessary for our children.
It’s NOT clean, if we’re feeling upset, doubtful or guilty.
Then it’s confusing and actually damaging for our children as well as for ourselves.
Our children want to test the boundaries, but they actually don’t really want the boundaries to break down.
They don’t want us to crumble.
They NEED a framework set by us to feel safe and clear.
If a child would be in charge of the house, the whole household would be suffering.
While “gentle parenting” talks about implementing boundaries,
I believe that the name can be quite misleading.
I haven’t read up on it in depth and I’m also not so interested in studying parenting styles,
But it sounds like parents are only allowed to talk softly and - God forbid - shouldn’t ever use their physical power.
HOWEVER
in many situations, we actually NEED to use our voice and hands to stop our children from doing something harmful to them or others.
So many moms believe they have so suck up all kinds of behaviour nearing on abuse by their children just because they’re young.
Yea, of course young children don’t really mean harm consciously, but still it’s important to not let them continue with a harmful behaviour.
I believe ESPECIALLY during that toddler time (and even earlier) it’s important to use our clean power with them,
For their own sake and for everyone else’s.
It’s obvious to most people to stop their children if they hit someone or run on the road…
But I’m talking about using power also when it comes to other topics, such as bedtime.
What a struggle for so many families…
What I mean is, for example, giving directions with a clear energy in our voice.
And that doesn’t mean after you said it “nicely” 5 times,
You’re getting “upset” now.
It means you mean it the first time and you embody that.
It also means, not “pitying” your children when they have a melt down,
But holding them with the knowing and the energy of:
“I got you and I know you got this”
Seeing and relating to the power THEY hold and have
That they’re MAKING a DECISION to whine or to stop,
To be a “victim” or to be empowered.
What an amazing learning lesson for life for them!
Maybe the most important one.
ALSO
When we’re trying to be so gentle and understanding,
while that’s not at all how we’re feeling inside,
That creates a massive incongruence, that’s not only causing distortion in us, but also confusion in our children.
And if we model that - they will learn to distort themselves also.
If we model to suck things up and be “nice”,
If we model to put other people’s wants and needs first,
Guess what…
I’m not saying that you should lose it at your kids when they trigger you
(and if it happens, it’s ok - just let them see you being vulnerable when you’re cracking)
I’m talking about not pretending,
I’m talking about becoming clear,
Making the best decision you know (even IF you should make a mistake),
And conveying that to your family.
You NEED to become a LEADER as a parent.
You’re the one carrying the power and the responsibility.
What an amazing opportunity for growth.
So here is a concrete example of an application of what we do regarding consequences for our kids.
We give cold showers.
And it’s working extremely well.
It’s perfect to get our littles out of a melt-down state.
We give them a choice:
“Can you get yourself out of it on your own or do you need help?”
MOST of the times they choose to stop.
They CAN get themselves out of it.
They start to regulate their breathing and calm down within seconds.
Astonishing.
I wish I would have learned that as a child!!!
Sometimes I give myself a cold shower even today to help myself shift out of a state LOL
We found this to be VERY EMPOWERING for our children (2 and 5 years old).
It’s not a punishment.
Therefore CRUCIAL to do it with love and care…
And not when we’re upset ourselves.
We hold them in it, support them, and take care of them well after a cold shower.
It’s important for our children to see that we don’t enjoy it.
That we don’t like doing it.
That it hurts us doing it.
That we do it for THEIR sake.
The key is that it’s being done with CLEAN power.
When they have a spiralling melt-down,
We explain to them that it’s not good for them.
I saw what happens when I just let them whine and whine…
They spiral more and more and their nervous systems are getting all bend out of shape.
They go into a victimhood mentality.
Showing that it's a DECISION they're making helps them getting into an empowered state
And they learn an amazing skill for life.
What are your thoughts on this?!
Comment below 👇
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